Short-form Content
Short-form Content
Brevity is the soul of wit (and certain social media platforms).
Previous
Previous
Wanna Feel Old?
Next
Next
Brevity is the soul of wit (and certain social media platforms).
Just found out Gen Z kids are calling the 90s “the late 1900s” and I feel like I just drank from the wrong grail in Indiana Jones
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) August 19, 2022
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 27, 2015
Called a kid “sport” today and my cargo shorts grew two additional pockets
— The Dad (@thedad) August 9, 2019
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 16, 2019
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
6yo: I’m done, can I have ice cream?
— The Dad (@thedad) November 1, 2022
Me: Not until you’ve eaten all your food.
6yo: But I’m full
Me: If you’re full, you don’t need ice cream
6yo: My stomach is full of food but ice cream will fill in all the cracks
Me:
6yo:
Me: I don’t know enough science to dispute that
Son: Dad, are we gonna get killed by an asteroid like the dinosaurs?
— The Dad (@thedad) August 12, 2019
Me: Probably not, bud.
Son: That’s probably what the dinosaurs thought too.
Me:
Son: [walks away]
Me: ʰᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I don’t trust anyone who buys pre-cracked pistachios. Nothing builds character and integrity like making your fingernails bleed for a single morsel of food
— The Dad (@thedad) January 11, 2020
gonna start carrying around little heart stickers to physically stick on people when I want them to know I’m done with our conversation but don’t want to be rude, just like I do via text
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) October 30, 2022
Willy Wonka is my favorite story about children who have very normal adolescent character flaws and get murdered for them
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) July 12, 2022
No one tells you you're old. You have to come to the realization yourself while reading Amazon reviews for light bulbs
— The Dad (@thedad) June 17, 2019
Friendly reminder that a James Bond movie didn’t come out in 2007, missing out on what was the most sure-fire marketing opportunity in history
— The Dad (@thedad) November 23, 2019
Just once, I'd like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) March 22, 2015
Being alive during this modern era is great. Robots are creating artistic soulless versions of people, I spend half my paycheck on rent and the other half on 4 blueberries, and I’m addicted to a little pocket computer than makes me sad everyday. Fantastic.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) December 10, 2022
Watch out, ladies. When you visit family over the holidays, there will be charming, flannel-wearing men who never left your hometown who will attempt to charm you into quitting your high-paying city job and rope you into a boring, traditional suburban relationship. STAY VIGILANT.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) November 6, 2022
I agreed with my wife that we're NOT getting each other anything for Valentine's Day so does anyone have any good gift suggestions?
— The Dad (@thedad) February 7, 2020
Son, brushing teeth: Daddy, why don’t we have to brush our other bones?
— The Dad (@thedad) January 29, 2020
Me: Because they’re inside of us and don’t need it like your teeth do.
Son: I want to brush my bones.
Me:
Son: I want to brush my bones, dad.
Me: Please... please stop saying that
Kid: Daddy, how did Clifford the Big Red Dog get so big?
— The Dad (@thedad) January 4, 2020
Me: Because his owner loved him so much.
Kid: [under breath] more likely due to a malfunctioning pituitary gland...
Me: What?
Kid: What?
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) December 12, 2019
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Son: dad there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?
— The Dad (@thedad) May 2, 2018
Me: look it’s you he’s after, why make him my problem too?
I don’t need to be rich. I just want enough money that I don’t automatically filter “lowest to highest price”
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) September 27, 2022
Me: I’m much more confident now that I’m in my 30s.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) February 12, 2021
Also me: Oh no, that’s definitely too many exclamation points for a work email. [deletes] Oh no, NOW they’re going to think I’m mad at them. [adds them back] OH NO